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Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! null is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of his null. So everyone please put your hands together for null!
Jerry: Okay, now null you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
You: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
You: null.
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well null, is actually here tonight -
The crowd SQUEALS.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you null, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... null!
You: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere you pull out a null. null reaches for the null. Out of the shadows null appears.
null: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here null.
null: Because I saw null and null making out at null!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
null: That's a lie! I was home watching null!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem null?
null: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with null who has recently become engaged to null.
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring null out here because null had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... null that's right!
null: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards you) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with null! You know I'm how I feel about null!.
null: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with null!
null: Because I knew that I could never have null. But null promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
null: What about respect for MY feelings!
null walks suddenly across the stage, embracing null.
null: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
null: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
null runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly.
null: null take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...
The crowd does its bit.
null: Married?
You nod.
null: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to null.
null: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
null: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex null times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... null is married to null who null has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now null has recently become engaged to null who was recently spotted kissing null in the null. Now on top of this null has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with null.
null: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.

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